Gathering Strength

Whoa, that was fast.  The lung specialist called us tonight with the results.  It is as we thought because of the enlarged node:  The cancer has spread to the central lymphatic node between the lungs which stages him at at least 3.  We hope that is as far as it has spread.  In two weeks we will know what kind of therapy is best.

His leg is still swollen and it makes walking painful, but true to his name (Roland's dad told me that when he was named his parents were thinking of the legendary Roland who was known for fighting along with Charlemagne to save France from the marauding Brits) he is doing all he can to be cheerful and useful.  He is very grateful for what we can do to help him be comfortable. He expounded at dinner the opportunity we have to grow closer as a family when trials come.  We can become bitter and angry or we can rise up and learn from whatever comes our way. We are not strangers to trials and they have made us stronger.  We hope we are strong enough for this one because of the previous ones.

Sleep? Who Needs it?

What a long day yesterday was. In the morning as we were getting ready at 5 am Roland said that he hopes that 2013 will be a lucky year for us. He really liked it when the lung specialist told him he was in the "young" category so he didn't need to be off Lovenox very long before the procedure and could resume shots the next day.

That afternoon, the oncologist was amazed with how great Roland looked when he came for his appointment  after having a camera down his throat earlier in the day. The "Orc cough" came back but that is normal.   She encouraged him to take it easy and get lots of rest.  She thinks he is working too much.  Finally someone who agrees with me! She confirmed what the lung specialist said: There are no signs of cancer other than in the left lung and Monday we will know if it is in the lymph nodes in the center of his chest and then we will know the stage and can map out a treatment plan. She was very positive and told us that a good attitude in this situation is extremely helpful.  Roland, ever the card, asked if that included a good attitude about dying.  She reminded him that if it was his wife who was going through this, he might not have a great attitude about her dying.  I think he got it. He taught his two hour class right after that appointment.  Hmmmm.

He fell asleep right after dinner, but woke up as the kids were readying for bed.  He told me his left leg felt a little sore and stiff.  Upon examination, I immediately noticed it was a light shade of purple and quite swollen.  He agreed to go to the ER at around 11 pm because it seemed unusual.  Yay!  He was told that his clot was causing the "traffic jam" and was given Lovenox and an ultra sound which indicated the clot had grown and spread.  There was talk of putting in a filter in the morning after seeing his regular doctor and conferring with the oncologist. We finally got back to bed at about 2 am. After getting the kids off to school, I called the doctor and miraculously, we were able to secure an appointment this morning.  Roland went without food or water in case they could do the surgery today.  It was decided that the surgery would be too risky given his propensity to clot so quickly after being off Lovenox.  So we came home, ate breakfast and we are both long overdue for some sleep.  I told him that his sense of humor is not as good when I am tired, hungry and stressed out.  He told me that my sense of humor diminishes in those circumstances and that his is steady.  I think he is right.  I feel very tired, so I can't imagine how worn out Roland must be. Thank you for your love.  We are feeling it.  It is so important for us to stay in tune with what direction to take.

Bad News Good News

I love it when doctors tell us about what is happening and when Roland's knowledge of microscopic cells and tissue because of  his years of experience with illustrating medical histology textbooks comes into play.  The doctor raises an eyebrow and soon they are both using unfamiliar terms like "squamous".

Today we drove to St. George before daylight for the biopsy.  The bad news is that the lymph nodes had grown to over 3 centimeters.  It is very likely the cancer has spread to these nodes. The good news is that he got a good sample of the nodes and the CT scan from yesterday showed a clearing in his right lung so no biopsy was needed from that area.  Though this doctor is a lung specialist he looked at the other areas scanned (brain, abdomen and pelvis) and he thought they looked clear.  Yay! The doctor says his lungs are strong and he will recover quickly.  He is a little grouchy from the pain medicine and coughy from the procedure which came with a complimentary headache..  He hopes his recovery is quick because he has an appointment today with the oncologist and is teaching in the afternoon.  I am happy to be the chauffeur for these activities since he is still a little dizzy.

How Chill Can He Be?

Those of you who know Roland well, know that he has as even a disposition as one can have. Right? And while I have learned to be steadier than I came wired to be through many opportunities to "practice", I still have my fall-apart times. It is fortunate that they have come when Roland is pain free and able to care for his own needs. Doesn't this next scene just say so much about my man. Today I was in his recliner, weeping while he rubbed my feet. I don't know why I cry. It always makes my face puffy and gives me a headache.

He had his scans. While we were waiting and he was drinking the "contrast" like he was by the sea with a tropical refreshment complete with a colorful paper umbrella (this gave me the giggles), I got a call from the doctor who said his bronchoscopy appointment miraculously had been moved up from February 11 to January 30. Much of my crying earlier today was related to the long wait for that important biopsy information.

Some people get claustrophobic and need to take anti-anxiety medicine before getting in the tube-like MRI machine. He must have been very relaxed (see sentence one) because two scans needed to be retaken due to the relaxing of his jaw and the slight head vibrations made while he was SNORING!

Carpe Diem

We are waiting for the pre-authorization on the PET scan. While we are waiting, I found out a few things we can do. Tomorrow Roland will have an MRI on his brain and another CT scan on his chest, abdomen and pelvis. Today we met with a pulmonary specialist in St. George. He noticed things on the CT scan from 1/11 that the other doctors didn't--namely "something" in the lower right lung and enlarged lymph nodes in the center of his lungs. These nodes are normally about 1 cm in diameter, but Roland's scan showed nodes over 2 cm in diameter. *little cry* So he wants to do a bronchoscopy to biopsy both of these findings. All of this is for staging the cancer. The best news would be that cancer is only in the upper lobe of his left lung. (stage 1) If he finds cancer in the lymph nodes or the right lung then… I don’t want to think about that.

So I am back to one day at a time. I think I will focus on the message from Thorton Wilder’s Our Town: Appreciating people in the moment and really looking at them and loving them right now.

It feels Like We Are Stuck in a Swamp

Roland and Alex were talking about tennis tonight. Roland was asking about the latest racket brands and told Alex he used to play tennis every day at the American Club in Indonesia. Alex, looking for a practice partner offered, "Maybe we can play together sometime." Roland paused and then said, "Yeah, as soon as I get over this lung cancer..." We all laughed together.

Earlier tonight I was feeling frustrated because it feels like way too long that we have waited to get the further testing and come up with a plan to get rid of the cancer. He says his legs feel better than ever, but he can feel "something" where the cancer was found when he turns his back in a certain way. I don't like hearing that because it makes me think it is growing.

I was talking about doing something extreme just to see some progress, e.g. move to Salt Lake City or change doctors. Then Roland told me about a scene in the Lincoln movie. Thaddeus Stevens was trying to push for abolishing slavery with dichotomous thinking and Lincoln told him that it was like he was holding a compass pointing to the North and wanting to march North even if the terrain ahead included swamps. I needed to hear that because maybe changing doctors or moving would slow the process even more. I think I just want to do something that feels like it is helping the process move forward. I am hopeful that tomorrow there will be some directions for getting around the swamp. We should have an appointment for a PET scan next week.

It was great to see the Everetts and Skylar and Tori tonight. That was a big pick-us-up.

Working from Home

Roland still gets tired easily, but he is trying to be as productive as he can. Today we rearranged our living room to be an at home office for him. He wanted to be in a central location so he can be with the family as much as possible. He can keep his legs elevated and still access files in the lateral file to his left. The "secretary" desk on his right will store all his supplies. The drop down writing surface can close and lock when he is not using it. His scanner/printer is on the lower shelves to his right and his laptop can stay in his lap when he is using it or stored in the desk. Today he is preparing a quiz for his class.

Yesterday we had a great visit with Paul, Lisa and Christian. We are living in the moment and this moment is great.