New Life All Around Us

After a lot of preparation by Roland, including digging 18 holes in very rocky dirt, filling them with loamy topsoil and compost, planning and installing a drip irrigation system to all of them, the little foot-high evergreens (arborvitae) in two inch pots that will grow tall some day are ready to be planted.  They are a symbol of new life and growth.

At the same time new life grows within our daughter's womb.  He moves around in his now cramped quarters reminding her of his ever increasing arm span and girth.  It seems he is saying, "Here is my foot.  Wanna count my toes?"

Cherry blossoms flutter down onto fresh green blades of grass and tulips stand tall adorned with their vividly colored crowns    As my tulip-loving friend reminded me, those crowns were earned as the under-ground bulb was subjected to a cold winter before emerging in doubled glory (they multiply from year to year).  Spring will come for Roland's cancer and even for me in my struggly part of the adventure.

How thankful we feel that his cancer was discovered in time to be able to treat it and that he has had the strength to endure the necessary pain and fatigue.  We are grateful to the many friends and family members who have walked with us and refilled our water bottles along the way. (In the case of Linda, literally :-)) 

View Points

Growing up, my family took road trips and camping trips and later as a teen, long backpacking excursions.  The journey to the trail head always seemed faster when we went with our dear friends, a great family who had experience backpacking. Along the way, we would pull over at vistas to read from the historical marker placards about the events of the region and enjoy the view or plunge our bare feet in the cold streams or have lunch at the battered wooden picnic tables.  I don't recall ever wondering if we were going to make it to the trail head on time or if we were heading in the right direction except for when I had the privilege of navigating which meant I got to sit in the front seat where the air conditioning worked well and hold the map.  I felt important and vital to the trip's success.  I have since realized that was my dad's way of teaching his children map reading skills because he was already very familiar with the route. After resuming our trip after a view point stop, to make the journey seem shorter, I would pretend it had just begun.

This time away from Roland and our children (when I haven't been wondering how he is managing everything), has felt like pull over time at a view point area.  I am brought back to my childhood years of few responsibilities and in the moment thinking.  It makes me want to have inefficient interactions with our children when I return which includes appreciating and pointing out all the good things they are doing and letting their little oversights slide more.  I want to wade in creeks without stressing about whether the interior of the car is going to get a little wet.  It will dry; we live in a desert.

With this next round of Chemo, I want to pretend our adventure is just starting so it won't feel quite so long.  Roland sounds so cheerful and upbeat when we talk on the phone.  It feels like he is at a scenic overlook too, but I am sure it is hard for him to take care of all the responsibilities of both parents.  What a great husband and Dad!

Not Quite Small Enough

The oncologist was not excessively impressed with the CT results.  She was hoping for more shrinkage.  She feels strongly that Roland have more Chemo.  Rats.  He had a B12 shot today and will take folic supplements to counteract the effects of the new kind of Chemo.  Here we go again.  He starts next week on Wednesday.  Since I am in Provo awaiting the arrival of our first grandchild (at Roland's behest), I am thinking of how to divide myself in two so I can be there and here.

More?

He saw the radiation doctor today.  The tumor is a lot smaller which is what they were hoping for at this point  and the lymph nodes look back to normal.  The fatigue he has is considered normal and should improve little by little.  His vitals are good.  Tomorrow is the visit with the oncologist and the deciding point for whether to do booster Chemo.  We both don't like the side effects of more Chemo some of which can be permanent, but the tumor isn't gone.  I realize the drugs and radiation are still working in his body, but will it be enough?  Big decision.

Lookin' Good

Roland went to church on Sunday for the first time this year since Jan. 6th.  Friends were surprised to see him and lovingly commented about how great he looks.  He heard reactions such as "You have never looked better." and "It becomes you."  and "I like your new look."  He said he just might keep this hair style since it is so easy to manage. His favorite one was from a friend who said she saw us together and wondered to herself, "Do the Browns have another older son?"  She quickly assured me that I didn't look older--he looked younger.  :)

Returning to Health

He is eating better.  He can drink milk now without following it with water.  Tomorrow he has a follow up CT scan to see the progress.  He will have more hours in his work schedule beginning in May and we are hopeful about his being offered the full time teaching position at SUU beginning in July.  He hasn't decided about whether to have the booster Chemo treatments.

I have felt an outpouring of love from my friends and loved ones lately as I have been feeling emotionally unstable.  I am working to rebuild fortifications against future storms.  I so appreciate the encouragement.

Dizziness Drama

Roland's dizzy spells have been just part of the adventure.  Usually he holds on to the nearest wall or sits down until they pass.  This morning, he suddenly collapsed to the floor.  I was taken aback and knelt next to him not fully understanding what happened.  He didn't move for a while and then asked me what had happened. I guessed that he fainted.  He thought that seemed right because he remembered feeling dizzy and ignored the feeling.  I cried for awhile because he was able to talk (relief) and because I felt a pang of "too much drama this year."  I did some simple tests to be sure it wasn't a stroke by having him raise his arms above his head, smile and then I listened for slurring of speech)  He seems to be fine; he thankfully didn't hit his head.  His right knee will likely have a bruise and his lower back and left knee also hurt.  Just when I think I can back off with care-taking,  I get this reminder to be "en garde."  It reminds me of this post.

Normalish

We finished the 1000 piece puzzle of Paradise Park, Mount Rainer, WA.  I bought this puzzle second-hand for $1 and so I didn't expect it to have all the pieces. (We figure on average there is one piece lost per assembly)

Much to our surprise, it had all 1000 pieces!  Look closely and you will see that in the image above there is one empty space and one piece on the table.  

Empty Space

Piece on the Table

The strange thing is that the piece on the table does not fit the empty space; neither the shape nor the color is right.  That's weird.  But it gets weirder.  

 The extra piece with no home DOES fit in the puzzle. It is in the center of the image above.

Our youngest son found where it goes, but there is already a piece in that spot identical in shape with a slightly different picture.  Hmmm.  

Here are the almost duplicates.  One has some scuff damage.  I wonder if someone else with this puzzle has and extra piece that fits our space and a missing piece like the ones above.  We could trade.

We were thinking about how this about sums up how Roland is feeling.  He seems to have the right number of pieces, but something is missing (and not just his hair) and there is something extra that doesn't quite fit.

Today he dug some holes for trees we want to plant and tried to tan his head a little.  After this he needed a big nap.  He is getting stronger every day.