More?

He saw the radiation doctor today.  The tumor is a lot smaller which is what they were hoping for at this point  and the lymph nodes look back to normal.  The fatigue he has is considered normal and should improve little by little.  His vitals are good.  Tomorrow is the visit with the oncologist and the deciding point for whether to do booster Chemo.  We both don't like the side effects of more Chemo some of which can be permanent, but the tumor isn't gone.  I realize the drugs and radiation are still working in his body, but will it be enough?  Big decision.

Lookin' Good

Roland went to church on Sunday for the first time this year since Jan. 6th.  Friends were surprised to see him and lovingly commented about how great he looks.  He heard reactions such as "You have never looked better." and "It becomes you."  and "I like your new look."  He said he just might keep this hair style since it is so easy to manage. His favorite one was from a friend who said she saw us together and wondered to herself, "Do the Browns have another older son?"  She quickly assured me that I didn't look older--he looked younger.  :)

Returning to Health

He is eating better.  He can drink milk now without following it with water.  Tomorrow he has a follow up CT scan to see the progress.  He will have more hours in his work schedule beginning in May and we are hopeful about his being offered the full time teaching position at SUU beginning in July.  He hasn't decided about whether to have the booster Chemo treatments.

I have felt an outpouring of love from my friends and loved ones lately as I have been feeling emotionally unstable.  I am working to rebuild fortifications against future storms.  I so appreciate the encouragement.

Dizziness Drama

Roland's dizzy spells have been just part of the adventure.  Usually he holds on to the nearest wall or sits down until they pass.  This morning, he suddenly collapsed to the floor.  I was taken aback and knelt next to him not fully understanding what happened.  He didn't move for a while and then asked me what had happened. I guessed that he fainted.  He thought that seemed right because he remembered feeling dizzy and ignored the feeling.  I cried for awhile because he was able to talk (relief) and because I felt a pang of "too much drama this year."  I did some simple tests to be sure it wasn't a stroke by having him raise his arms above his head, smile and then I listened for slurring of speech)  He seems to be fine; he thankfully didn't hit his head.  His right knee will likely have a bruise and his lower back and left knee also hurt.  Just when I think I can back off with care-taking,  I get this reminder to be "en garde."  It reminds me of this post.

Normalish

We finished the 1000 piece puzzle of Paradise Park, Mount Rainer, WA.  I bought this puzzle second-hand for $1 and so I didn't expect it to have all the pieces. (We figure on average there is one piece lost per assembly)

Much to our surprise, it had all 1000 pieces!  Look closely and you will see that in the image above there is one empty space and one piece on the table.  

Empty Space

Piece on the Table

The strange thing is that the piece on the table does not fit the empty space; neither the shape nor the color is right.  That's weird.  But it gets weirder.  

 The extra piece with no home DOES fit in the puzzle. It is in the center of the image above.

Our youngest son found where it goes, but there is already a piece in that spot identical in shape with a slightly different picture.  Hmmm.  

Here are the almost duplicates.  One has some scuff damage.  I wonder if someone else with this puzzle has and extra piece that fits our space and a missing piece like the ones above.  We could trade.

We were thinking about how this about sums up how Roland is feeling.  He seems to have the right number of pieces, but something is missing (and not just his hair) and there is something extra that doesn't quite fit.

Today he dug some holes for trees we want to plant and tried to tan his head a little.  After this he needed a big nap.  He is getting stronger every day.

Much Improved

I feel like I am getting my husband back.  Yay!  He took care of the van when it wouldn't start and danced with me in the kitchen.  He eats what we eat now without pre-numbing his esophagus, though small portions and each bite with a water chaser. His chest is still annoyingly painful, but not as severe.  Friday is the 3-week mark and it seems we heading for normal.  He wears a compression stocking for the blood clots just on the lower left leg which helps when he has to walk around campus at work. He is usually cold which is common with patients who have had Chemo.  It probably doesn't help that it snowed two days in a row; it is melting fast.   He is considering adding more part-time work hours as they become available.  He smiles more and even cheered me up when I was having a Mom-role intense day by listening, validating and brainstorming ideas with me.  I feel so grateful for these good days; this is my kind of adventure.

Trust and Love

An opportunity to chaperone for State Drama came and Roland encouraged me to go with our boys.  This meant someone else would have to give the injections.  He thought he could do it.  It was a nice change of pace for me and a good check to see how well I am "backing off."  I didn't sleep enough on the two day trip and when we got back, it was obvious he hadn't either. His leg looked swollen.  He had done a lot of great things for the family. The house looked tidy.  The campaign posters were ready to hang.   He took care of the lawn and a gutter repair.  Fortunately, he had a pizza certificate that he used to feed the family.  Alex helped with the injections.  I think I could have been helpful in lightening his load if I had stayed home, but he seemed pleased with his contributions.  I feel like he is doing too much, but I need to trust that he will rest when he needs to.  He shows his love through acts of service; He is so good to me.

Today I have been able to rest/recover.  He seems alert and clear-minded.  We have talked about the decision of whether to go two more rounds or be done.  He reasons that if the cancer is not obliterated, he would always wonder if the two more rounds would have helped, so he is leaning toward going for it. 

A good friend of his was obviously inspired when he sent a box of things that Roland loved.  It arrived when I was away and made him feel so cared about and personally understood.  Not many people really understand Roland. 

Being a Great Dad

Today we took a trip to St. George, but it had nothing to do with Roland's treatment.  We got our youngest fitted with a back brace to keep her scoliosis from curving more.  I knew it would be emotional and having both parents for comfort was helpful.  I am so grateful that Roland could be there.

Seeking Direction

We found out that Roland does not have Factor V (five) Leiden thrombophilia which is an inherited blood clotting disorder, so the blood clots from December are so far solely attributable to the cancer.

His doctor spent a lot of time with us today.  He is to stay on Lovenox for 6 more months at least.  She is happy he has only lost about 10 pounds, but thought he seemed a little dehydrated.  She would like to have a CT scan the end of the month even though the therapies will continue to be effective after that time.  She wants to make sure what has been done is working.  She also would like to do two more rounds of Chemotherapy to be thorough,  BUT if Roland feels like he has had enough, she will respect that.  We are going to let our minds be open to the direction that we should take.  So many times, we have felt a guiding direction in matters much less weighty than this, so we trust we will  know what will be best by May 1st.

After the appointment, I dropped him off for a brief meeting at work and he wanted to walk home the distance of 2 miles, up hill.  It is a sunny and cool day.  I am impressed by his desire to undertake this and I hope it is not too much.  He hasn't done much exercise at all for 4 months, so I thought maybe easing into it would be wiser, however I am not going to second guess his abilities.  Before the adventure, he would routinely ride his bike up the hill. This decision is encouraging; he must be feeling a little better. I have noticed other indicators of improved disposition like the little romantic, gentlemanly courtesies that he has been doing for me lately.

Our Night Out

Though we are trying not to count the days since his last radiation treatment, the improvements promised in 2-3 weeks seem painfully slow. Roland is trying to eat things without blending them. The mouthwash he never thought he would use has become his very special friend which he brings where ever he goes.  Before this adventure I would say Roland was leaning toward the fast side on the eating tempo continuum, but now he has slowed considerably.  He still gets out of breath easily and feels dizzy when he first stands.

Because it snowed half the day, we bundled up tonight before going out to see the CHS production of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, Abridged.  We have good friends in the show and two of our boys are techies.  Roland wore a hospital mask since he is supposed to avoid crowds.  (It accidentally doubled as a disguise).  He loved the show and has been wanting for a long time to take me on a real date.  I guess he doesn't count our hospital dates or all the wonderful days we have spent together.  I know this outing and teaching made for a long day for him, so it meant a lot to me.

It is amazing to me how involved in family life he has been able to be.  For example he has been brainstorming with Reece about his campaign poster designs. (Reece is vying for Student Body Pres.) What a great blessing it has been to not be alone in parenting.

He finished the Oregon puzzle and has halfway completed this one of Mount Rainer, WA 

A Quick Blood Draw Check

How can it be that Roland's regular doctor lives just a few blocks from us?  He is happy to receive our calls.  It feels like something out of "Little House on the Prairie."  Last night Roland began to wonder if perhaps he was having an ulcer which would be problematic since he is on blood thinners.   His doctor told him to get a certain over the counter medicine and to pick up lab orders at his house this morning. We stopped by his house and he came out to the car with a finger pulse oximeter to check on him.   We were able to get the labs done today and the doctor gave us the results in the afternoon over the phone.  We feel like VIPs.  The results? Everything is normal for someone who has undergone this adventure.  Whew!

Now What?

Our blender motor stopped working, but it was under warranty, so the company said they would send a new one.  This is important because we blend everything Roland eats. 

He wore his Indiana Jones Adventure Hat to work.  :-)  He is liking teaching his one hour per day class for now and has applied and would really like to get the full time SUU teaching position that begins in July.

He has been leading our family and overseeing the care of the fruit trees and lawn.  He rests a lot and has constant pain in the middle of his chest.  Now that he is becoming less reliant on me, I need to redefine my role and make adjustments.  I have become accustomed to being his caretaker, so now I need to force myself to back off and do the things I did before this adventure.  We are still adventuring, but I am figuring out how I fit into it.  I have a strong feeling that I need to be braced for whatever may come next (the other shoe to fall), but that is exhausting and probably unnecessary.  Trying to get my thoughts to go in the direction of dealing with the future as it presents itself is a daily effort.  Yesterday I had a lot of deep emotion and out of touch expectations.  Today is much better and not only because the blender motor arrived.

Everyday a Little Better

The dandelion poof is gone lest any of you were concerned about that.  He is sporting the smooth look.  Roland is going back to part time (one hour/day) teaching (not substituting) beginning today.  He feels a little apprehensive because he is not really well enough yet, but he has a strong work ethic and wants to be contributing.  It is still quite painful to eat, but even when he is not eating there are spasms of pain in his chest.  He enjoyed being with family for Easter and the visit with his dad during the baby shower on Saturday.

Enduring with his dad

The drive (he didn't drive) to Provo was not too bad.  We have been the grateful recipients of lots of love and kindness.  We had a care package delivered by a sweet young family with lots of wonderful surprises and these two wonderful letters,

A Message of Cheer from a Little Friend

A Little Friend's Well Wishing

 buckets of joy from four families (more about that here) and when we came home from our weekend away, there was a very nice card table on our porch, so now he is working a puzzle of the Crystal Springs Garden in Oregon--a place dear to my heart.

Chrystal Springs Garden, Oregon Puzzle in Progress

We are still grappling with how to express our gratitude for the love and kindness and prayers of so many.  I would try to do it in this blog, but I know I would leave out someone.  We have learned so many ways to serve/help/encourage.  His most trying days have symbolically aligned on a very small scale with the difficult days for the Savior prior to resurrection Sunday.  He is looking forward to the "new life" days ahead and we know they are coming.  He has a fancy radiation completion certificate and we will find out next week if there are more Chemo rounds to come.  (She is leaning against it, so my guess is that he is finished with treatment and we will wait for the follow up scans to see if he is remission or if we go to plan B.)