Cancer Be Gong

Today we met with the oncologist and she told us again about there being no evidence of cancer.  Such happy news!  She also gave Roland the option of a tablet form of blood thining medicine that does not require regular blood draws.  He welcomed elimination the twice daily injections. 
He sounded the gong in the lobby signifying completing treatments and successfully beating cancer. A little sign next to the gong reads in part the following:
Gongs have been in existence for 1000s of years. Since the time of Buddha in 600 BC, all sacred Chinese gongs have been inscribed with the two Chinese characters "Tai Loi" which means "happiness has arrived."  
This concludes Roland's adventure.  Thank you for all your support, love, prayers and well wishing.  Now that our world has been turned upside down, we are going to begin our new normal life--whatever that may be.  No matter what lies ahead, happiness has arrived.

Initial Scan Results Are In: Peachy

We just got off the phone with the receptionist at the cancer center.  She said the oncologist looked at the scan and she didn't find anything to suggest further signs of cancer.  She will still meet with him on Wednesday, but at least we don't have to wonder all weekend. We gave each other a smiling kiss and then Roland immediately went out the back door to the yard.  He came back in with a perfect peach from our tree.  He has been nurturing the two fruits the little tree produced this year carefully and daily (Farmer Brown?).  He said it is not quite soft enough to eat, but he will let it finish ripening inside, safe from predators and we will eat it together in celebration of his new life.

Bonus: He feels like his leg swelling is subsiding a little.

Yesterday we had a scripture delivered to our house accompanied by a delicious casserole:  Doctrine and Covenants 86:88  We were really trying our hardest to be patient with not knowing the news of the scan, so both were much appreciated.

"I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." 

We are feeling so happy right now.

PET Scan Day: Not an Update

Yesterday Roland ate only meat and veggies--no sugars or starches.  He wasn't supposed to exercise at all-- not even typing or other repetitive movements.  I put him in bed where he watched a few movies, ate, and rested all day.  That night he didn't sleep well.  He occasionally has bouts of restless leg syndrome.  Last night was especially grueling.  I fell in and out of sleep not knowing if I was dreaming or awake.  Sometimes he would be beside me and awake; sometimes he was gone--trying to be more comfortable on the couch?  I just kept thinking, "He needs to be still and not exert himself for the scan to be accurate."  I also felt helpless, not knowing how I could help him sleep.  I rubbed lavender oil on his feet.  It helped a little.

So this morning he was in a serious mood.  We left early.  We arrived early.  The scan came and went without trumpeting or celebration. I was not allowed to go with him because of the radioactive contamination possibilities.  He was "hot." So I waited.  He said we wouldn't know the results for a few days.  WHAT???!  I think inwardly.  I said nothing.  He had an appointment with the radiation doctor immediately afterwards, so we went to the cancer center where we were greeted by a half-completed puzzle of an albino peacock in full splendor.  It felt too familiar walking in and seeing all the nurses and the receptionist who feel like close friends.  It was a mini reunion. I wondered why we were all so happy?  I realize now it is because Roland seems fine. He isn't in a wheel chair.  His hair is back--somewhat.  And most importantly, he was not there for chemo.  He fasted for the scan and so I packed snacks for him, but he said he felt nauseous.  I suspect it was because of his associations with the center.  He ate a few crackers.  The radiation doctor looked him over listened to his breathing and asked some questions.  I suggest that Roland tell him about his new trick to see if it was serious.  (His esophagus makes a slight crackly/gurgly sound some nights after a deliberate exhale). When Roland explained it to the doctor, he said, "How's the swelling in your calf?"  I was perplexed and returned the subject to the throat sound.  The doctor smiled and said he had no idea why that is happening nor what to do to stop it.  The whole situation of moving on so quickly was very funny to me.  I guess it's not too serious.

His next appointment with the oncologist is on Aug 7.  I asked if it would be necessary to wait until then to know the scan results.  The nurses seemed to think they could find out before then.  YAY!!  So we wait.

Why Not Make Some Memories?

Sometimes we just need a distraction from the seriousness of medical procedures--something to take our minds off the waiting to know whether all is well next week.  So, we have seen a few Shakespeare Festival productions and a Neil Simon play and Mary Poppins at Tuacahn for Tikla's birthday.

Roland volunteered to do the make up for the Beast in the Beauty and the Beast production Aug. 8, 9,10 and 12.  He got to practice his skills a little for the Pioneer Day parade this week.

Tonight we decided to have a little drama fun right at home.  We held a murder mystery dinner with a Caribbean theme.  We decorated the dining room for a tropical feel, took on the roles of the characters, and even dressed the parts. We invited some friends and gave them their character descriptions.  Roland was the part of Boz--a rock and roll star from the "Limping Doughnuts."  Sorry, I have no pictures of the people dressed up; I was busy serving the meal.

We Miss Them When They're Gone

One of the blessings of this adventure has been being with our adult children on many occasions. We love it when they visit us and it is always sad when they have to leave. We all seem to behave better and feel better when we are together.  This often presents itself in musical form.  Here is a little number they put together yesterday.  This is just one reason we miss them when they're gone.

 http://youtu.be/Sx4Qi0fTdd4

Milestones

In some sense of the word we can celebrate every day, but there are days that need a little extra something to make an indelible memory--like 25 years of marriage.  I love our marriage and I like to plan things, so I planned our anniversary date.  I ran all my ideas by Roland who is not very particular about the details of what we do to celebrate--he did say he wanted to have some fruit to eat.  This is not to say he doesn't care.  He does, but he really can have a great time in most any setting, so he would rather yield to my preferences to bring me joy.  It has taken years to understand this about him.

Our honeymoon was amazing.  We flew to NYC and saw Les Miserables and took a train through picturesque upstate New York to Quebec.  Roland planned it all and everything was a complete surprise to me.  I loved it.  I think it was expensive.  Usually newlyweds have a tiny budget and after 25 years of marriage there is a little extra, but this year we had a very small budget and I had big ideas--like a trip to France.
.  

Here is what we did.  The day before required a lot of preparations (this is how we stayed within our budget), but any significant trip requires advance preparations such as ticketing, reservations, packing, arranging for mail to be picked up, plants and yard to be tended and children to be supervised.  Roland's assignments were to get the show tickets (we volunteer at the Shakespeare Festival so we have a few complimentary tickets available to us), research our petrogyph outing, and serve as the tour guide.  I would transform our bedroom into a French hotel room and our dining room into a romantic restaurant table for two.  I also arranged for the children to serve as our "room service" hotel staff and "restaurant" waitstaff.  They seemed happy to help and even put a bell in our room to be rung for service.  I thought about what services I would love my hotel to provide and made them happen.  The day before our special day, I did some grocery shopping and some magic.

There was a welcoming fruit basket and fresh flowers in our room.

 I spent the day cleaning, changing the linens and decluttering our room for a fresh feel.  I put in a little card table (Thanks Belshaws) with a table cloth and two chairs for breakfast in our room.

I tossed pink rose petals and white feathers on the bed and put a fresh strawberry on each pillow.









 I found some cute printables on The Dating Diva's website.  They also had some fun couples game ideas, so I prepared those and put them in the basket with the show tickets.



















I had some help removing a leaf from our dinner table and decorated the "restaurant" to look like this.  It felt French to me.

Then I prepared the meals.  Even though the children were helping out, I wanted it to be fun for them and not too stressful.  I made a list of things for them to do and which dishes to use beginning with breakfast.  For lunch wouldn't it be great if the hotel provided picnic baskets for their guests to grab on their way out on day excursions?  Ours would, so I prepared a picnic basket with a table cloth and glasses and stored it in the hotel refrigerator. Sterling wanted to make the sandwiches for us just before we left so they would be fresh.  What a thoughtful suggestion.  I let him do that for us.

 Then I made the main dish for the restaurant dinner and gave baking instructions for the waitstaff.  They had all the ingredients for the the side dishes and dessert.

 The evening before our anniversary all we needed to do was to "pack our bags" for the trip, kiss our children goodbye, enter our French hotel room, and put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door.  I have never recovered from jet lag so quickly!  Roland was happy to have avoided TSA entirely. We each had secretly found/made gifts for each other.  I found a second hand BYU hat for him and he made me a candle.  He bought an empty, tarnished silver candle holder second hand for 25 cents, polished it with a homemade silver cleaner and melted old candles and reused a wick to make it for me. What a treasure he is!

We had a fun time that night and in the morning ordered "room service".  This is what arrived.  French toast, strawberries and whipped cream.  Yum.  

We leisurely got ready for our excursion, nabbed our prepared picnic with fresh sandwiches and used the "hotel van" for our trip to see the petroglyphs in the "South of France".  From the New World Encyclopedia,  "The word petroglyph comes from the Greek words petros meaning "stone" and glyphein meaning "to carve" (it was originally coined in French as pétroglyphe)."   Here is a picture of a petroglyph in the Vallée des Merveilles.

 Here we are on Roland's guided tour.

Roland explained this calendar.

Local Fauna

There was not a great picnic area near the petroglyphs, so we drove through the area until we found a suitable grassy area in the shade.  We stopped and picked some roadside flowers.

Our French Picnic

We talked a lot about our adventures over the last 25 years, did some more sight seeing including the "Eiffel Tower", and when we returned, the "hotel staff" had freshened up our room with strawberries and a heart-shaped rose petal display.

We decided to send a letter home to our kids.  Fortunately, the hotel had stationery and we left our letter with them for delivery.

Roland embellished the envelope

The postal service was fast!

We enjoyed our dinner at "Couple's Cafe" with Michael Buble music in the background.  Tikla called.  I don't know how she found the number for our restaurant. Then we took a 35 minute hovercraft to England and watched the Greenshow the message of which was perfect: "Make Someone Happy."  An anonymous person bought us a raspberrry tart and some pretty girls brought us glasses of water and souvenirs from the Shakespeare Festival.  Then we went to see the show Anything Goes.  When we returned we had the entire hotel to ourselves because someone had treated the hotel staff to a night off.  Our return flight in the morning was as effortless as our arrival.  

It is great to be home.

  

Roland is still feeling the blood clot in his leg, but nausea is gone except when he hears the word "chemo."  He is doing some education consulting part time and preparing for a possible medical illustrating contract.  The scan is slated for July 30 and we are hopeful that there is no evidence of the lung cancer and that he is completely well.

Tennis Anyone?

Tonight the whole family went to the tennis courts to try to play.  I say try because we are not really tennis players.  Roland and I explained the rules and scoring.  Reece was getting intense and after he felt confident, he organized a double elimination singles tournament.  I checked in with Roland often to see how his leg with clots was feeling.  He wasn't exactly running all over the courts, but he did take first place in the competition.   

Tenacious Blood Clots

The ultra sound indicates the blood clots are still hanging on in his lower left leg.  He can walk about three blocks without any pain, but anymore than that is painful.  The Chemo effects are wearing off, though not very decidedly.  He has difficulty sleeping and feels terrible most of the time.  He is trying to have a good attitude--he serves the family and in church and applies for work and networks with people to see what direction to go to provide for our family.  He would love to subsist on soda water and crackers, but he knows better so he nibbles at other things.  His hair is coming back slowly and softly. He realizes this is only temporary.

Addendum

Roland wanted me to add that when the doctor saw him she noted that he wasn't wearing a hat.  Then she told him his hair made him look like a newly hatched chick.  He thanked her and told her it was the nicest thing anyone had told him all day.  She didn't know how to interpret that.

She also told us she felt very good about the treatment plan as it had been carried out and that all that can be done was done.

Little Surprise...

When Roland met with the oncologist, we were both surprised to learn that today's Chemo is the last dose!  We both thought there would be another round in three weeks.  So it feels like the adventure is coming to a close.  His leg is still swollen and she wants to know whether he still has clots or if the veins are permanently stretched out to determine how to adjust the Lovenox injections, so he will have an ultrasound.  His PET CT scan is scheduled for the end of July.  If the nodules are gone, he will be considered in remission.  That is as far into the future as I care to see right now.

Disappointed, But Not Giving Up

We found out that Roland did not get the SUU job he was hoping for. :-( 

Before receiving that news I was told a story of a family who was riding a crowded passenger train. The father held his blind daughter on his lap since there was limited seating.  After a while, another passenger noticing the discomfort of the father offered to hold his child to give him a break.  The father accepted the offer and the girl complied.  Her father asked her if she knew on whose lap she sat.  She answered, "No, but you do."

We are striving for this kind of trust.  We don't know why Roland was not offered this job, but our loving Father in Heaven knows.  We have hope that this will make us stronger somehow.

Wednesday Roland will have more Chemo. 

Happy Days

I could see Roland relax when we were reunited. Tears came easily when he held our first grandchild.  He said as he rested next to James that looking at him was more effective at relieving his nausea than any of his prescribed medicines. That's the power of our minds.

 He enjoyed seeing extended family and friends and appreciated all the love and conversations.

Four Generations

Connection with dear to our hearts, Kaitlyn

Now that we are home, he is so appreciative of all the little things I do in the home, for him, and for the children.  I didn't expect him to do those things while I was away.  I am happy to be home and in a similar way that it was difficult to leave Roland to care for himself and the children when I came to help with the baby, I had trouble leaving Tikla, Austin and baby James.  I know they will be just fine without my help, but I had grown accustomed to caring for them.

Roland seems more energetic than he was before.  He works in the yard, goes to work, takes a nap before dinner and doesn't seem grumpy, in fact he is quite cheerful.  Two days ago, Roland was saying how amazing it is that he has not been sick even once since he began this adventure despite the children all having a touch of something here and there and almost at the same time he noticed a small lump in his underarm area.  We both gulped--hoping it wasn't a lymph node.  I made an appointment with his regular doctor whom he saw yesterday.  It is not a big concern, but it could be an infection of some kind. (Most likely a cyst, but it could be an abscess)   Since he is under the effects of Chemo his doctor prescribed antibiotics just to be safe.  That was good news!

More Nausea

Roland is still nauseous from Chemo treatments on Wednesday.  He is doing his best to keep the household running while I am helping Tikla with her new baby boy.  He has a video interview for the SUU job he is hoping for on Wednesday.  His next Chemo is in two weeks. We video call and talk on the phone, but he doesn't have much time between keeping the hum of the home happening, working and sleeping.  I am grateful to be able to be of help to Tikla as Austin is in Denver for the week.  She is slowly getting better and getting to know her adorable gift.  I want to be with Roland because he isn't eating much.  I think I could help with that.  It will be great to see him this weekend for the baby's blessing.

New Life All Around Us

After a lot of preparation by Roland, including digging 18 holes in very rocky dirt, filling them with loamy topsoil and compost, planning and installing a drip irrigation system to all of them, the little foot-high evergreens (arborvitae) in two inch pots that will grow tall some day are ready to be planted.  They are a symbol of new life and growth.

At the same time new life grows within our daughter's womb.  He moves around in his now cramped quarters reminding her of his ever increasing arm span and girth.  It seems he is saying, "Here is my foot.  Wanna count my toes?"

Cherry blossoms flutter down onto fresh green blades of grass and tulips stand tall adorned with their vividly colored crowns    As my tulip-loving friend reminded me, those crowns were earned as the under-ground bulb was subjected to a cold winter before emerging in doubled glory (they multiply from year to year).  Spring will come for Roland's cancer and even for me in my struggly part of the adventure.

How thankful we feel that his cancer was discovered in time to be able to treat it and that he has had the strength to endure the necessary pain and fatigue.  We are grateful to the many friends and family members who have walked with us and refilled our water bottles along the way. (In the case of Linda, literally :-)) 

View Points

Growing up, my family took road trips and camping trips and later as a teen, long backpacking excursions.  The journey to the trail head always seemed faster when we went with our dear friends, a great family who had experience backpacking. Along the way, we would pull over at vistas to read from the historical marker placards about the events of the region and enjoy the view or plunge our bare feet in the cold streams or have lunch at the battered wooden picnic tables.  I don't recall ever wondering if we were going to make it to the trail head on time or if we were heading in the right direction except for when I had the privilege of navigating which meant I got to sit in the front seat where the air conditioning worked well and hold the map.  I felt important and vital to the trip's success.  I have since realized that was my dad's way of teaching his children map reading skills because he was already very familiar with the route. After resuming our trip after a view point stop, to make the journey seem shorter, I would pretend it had just begun.

This time away from Roland and our children (when I haven't been wondering how he is managing everything), has felt like pull over time at a view point area.  I am brought back to my childhood years of few responsibilities and in the moment thinking.  It makes me want to have inefficient interactions with our children when I return which includes appreciating and pointing out all the good things they are doing and letting their little oversights slide more.  I want to wade in creeks without stressing about whether the interior of the car is going to get a little wet.  It will dry; we live in a desert.

With this next round of Chemo, I want to pretend our adventure is just starting so it won't feel quite so long.  Roland sounds so cheerful and upbeat when we talk on the phone.  It feels like he is at a scenic overlook too, but I am sure it is hard for him to take care of all the responsibilities of both parents.  What a great husband and Dad!

Not Quite Small Enough

The oncologist was not excessively impressed with the CT results.  She was hoping for more shrinkage.  She feels strongly that Roland have more Chemo.  Rats.  He had a B12 shot today and will take folic supplements to counteract the effects of the new kind of Chemo.  Here we go again.  He starts next week on Wednesday.  Since I am in Provo awaiting the arrival of our first grandchild (at Roland's behest), I am thinking of how to divide myself in two so I can be there and here.

More?

He saw the radiation doctor today.  The tumor is a lot smaller which is what they were hoping for at this point  and the lymph nodes look back to normal.  The fatigue he has is considered normal and should improve little by little.  His vitals are good.  Tomorrow is the visit with the oncologist and the deciding point for whether to do booster Chemo.  We both don't like the side effects of more Chemo some of which can be permanent, but the tumor isn't gone.  I realize the drugs and radiation are still working in his body, but will it be enough?  Big decision.

Lookin' Good

Roland went to church on Sunday for the first time this year since Jan. 6th.  Friends were surprised to see him and lovingly commented about how great he looks.  He heard reactions such as "You have never looked better." and "It becomes you."  and "I like your new look."  He said he just might keep this hair style since it is so easy to manage. His favorite one was from a friend who said she saw us together and wondered to herself, "Do the Browns have another older son?"  She quickly assured me that I didn't look older--he looked younger.  :)

Returning to Health

He is eating better.  He can drink milk now without following it with water.  Tomorrow he has a follow up CT scan to see the progress.  He will have more hours in his work schedule beginning in May and we are hopeful about his being offered the full time teaching position at SUU beginning in July.  He hasn't decided about whether to have the booster Chemo treatments.

I have felt an outpouring of love from my friends and loved ones lately as I have been feeling emotionally unstable.  I am working to rebuild fortifications against future storms.  I so appreciate the encouragement.

Dizziness Drama

Roland's dizzy spells have been just part of the adventure.  Usually he holds on to the nearest wall or sits down until they pass.  This morning, he suddenly collapsed to the floor.  I was taken aback and knelt next to him not fully understanding what happened.  He didn't move for a while and then asked me what had happened. I guessed that he fainted.  He thought that seemed right because he remembered feeling dizzy and ignored the feeling.  I cried for awhile because he was able to talk (relief) and because I felt a pang of "too much drama this year."  I did some simple tests to be sure it wasn't a stroke by having him raise his arms above his head, smile and then I listened for slurring of speech)  He seems to be fine; he thankfully didn't hit his head.  His right knee will likely have a bruise and his lower back and left knee also hurt.  Just when I think I can back off with care-taking,  I get this reminder to be "en garde."  It reminds me of this post.

Normalish

We finished the 1000 piece puzzle of Paradise Park, Mount Rainer, WA.  I bought this puzzle second-hand for $1 and so I didn't expect it to have all the pieces. (We figure on average there is one piece lost per assembly)

Much to our surprise, it had all 1000 pieces!  Look closely and you will see that in the image above there is one empty space and one piece on the table.  

Empty Space

Piece on the Table

The strange thing is that the piece on the table does not fit the empty space; neither the shape nor the color is right.  That's weird.  But it gets weirder.  

 The extra piece with no home DOES fit in the puzzle. It is in the center of the image above.

Our youngest son found where it goes, but there is already a piece in that spot identical in shape with a slightly different picture.  Hmmm.  

Here are the almost duplicates.  One has some scuff damage.  I wonder if someone else with this puzzle has and extra piece that fits our space and a missing piece like the ones above.  We could trade.

We were thinking about how this about sums up how Roland is feeling.  He seems to have the right number of pieces, but something is missing (and not just his hair) and there is something extra that doesn't quite fit.

Today he dug some holes for trees we want to plant and tried to tan his head a little.  After this he needed a big nap.  He is getting stronger every day.